How the Church Redefined Marriage
"Will you have this woman/man to be your wife/husband, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honor, and keep her/him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?"
Do you remember reciting those vows or something close to them on your wedding day? For some people, the day is all about those words, while others never give them a second thought. Some people keep their vows pretty traditional, while others adjust them to suit their personalities or personal convictions. Others, like myself, don't remember the vows, or much else about the day for that matter, and some memorize the vows they have written for their marriage ceremony.
But the question is, what actually makes the marriage legitimate? What is it about that day that moves two people from a party to a whole different lifestyle? Is it the vows? Is it exercise of reciting those vows to one another before friends and family? Is it reciting those vows before God? Is it the fact that the wedding was officiated by a man or woman of the cloth? Is it the acknowledgement of the marriage by the State through the issuance of a license?
I guess to answer that question, we must first define marriage. The best way for us to define marriage is to look at how Jesus defined it in Matthew 19:4-7."4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”"
So essentially, from God's perspective, a wedding is two people walking in before Him and one person walking out. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, the Church took the credit for marrying people. At some point it became the acknowledgement of the Church that legitimized the marriage. It became about the man or woman officiating, the vows recited and the Church's terms being met. Of course, with the involvement of the State, there are requirements that must be fulfilled. Families and friends also have their demands for the day. Finally, the couple believes the marriage is official because the promises they have made to themselves and one another have been declared publicly.
While all of this is very orderly and proper on many levels, it detracts from the truth of marriage and leaves couples ill-prepared to fulfill those vows they have made publicly. If it is the Church, the State, the consent of family and friends and the pledge of the couple that legitimizes the marriage, then the most important part of the ceremony is easily overlooked. Marriage is God divinely joining a man and woman into one new entity. The idea is that they walk away and spend the rest of their lives understanding God's vision, plan and design of that new entity. Instead, we often walk back down that aisle thinking about how this man has just pledged to spend the rest of his life working to make us happy and fulfilled. Oh, the disappointment that ensues.
In Ephesians 5:28, the Apostle Paul speaks of this oneness, saying "28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church," (ESV) Why would he tell husbands to love their wives as their own bodies? Because God has made them one. When we love, respect and care for our husbands, we do so for ourselves. When we are unkind, critical and cold toward them, we are doing it to ourselves.
Let me encourage you from today, to begin to seek understanding from the Lord about the new entity that was created on your wedding day. What purpose does God have in mind for your life? How can you live each day honoring the union that God alone formed? Ask Him to bring healing to those places that have left you divided and at odds with one another. Ask Him to teach you to love your husband as you love yourself. Allow your heart trust God to love you the way you need to be loved until your husband learns to do so. If I knew 10 years ago, what I know now, these would have been my words at that altar.
